bottomless pit - reflecting on depression

I feel like when you haven't physically felt depression, you really have no clue what it's like and in such respect just can't fathom what it's like to just hurt for what's seemingly, no apparent reason... so it's hard to relate. I've always been a very up and down person, going through some bad things when I was younger that maybe put a bit of a chip on my shoulder... I was dealing with some serious feelings as a teenager, and really struggled with coping. I'm sure the lack of sleep from partying along with the party-kid lifestyle and not taking good care of myself, it was no surprise i didn't feel balanced.
I was constantly searching for a way to escape my feelings, to not feel so crazy and alone... it's like you can be in a sea of people, but their all washing over you, continuing on in their way of life. No one really takes the time to notice, nor really do they care. They have their own problems. I mean they care in a way, and would talk to you if you told them how you felt... But then there's this stigma associated with it. "She's crazy, she needs to take meds." I've never liked taking them, but when I'm off them for a long time, and I begin to feel like I'm sinking... Like it's too much effort to wake up, and brush your teeth and go to work. Nothing matters, no one cares. You feel an empty pang constantly gnawing at you and it's like your body literally hurts. For some reason it makes me feel like I feel like this for a reason, like I deserve to feel this bad. Like I don't deserve to live.... and that's a fucked up feeling that I guess is hard to explain to someone that's never felt like that. It's this barren, hollow, dead feeling. No one understands you, and it doesn't fucking matter any way because your so tiny in the scheme of things anyways...

I used to cut myself.
I thought that was a way to let the hurt out. Just bleed out my sins so I would feel better. Bleed so I knew that I was still alive, still living. I got therapy and was able to stop, but I still have the scars on ankles to remind me.
I feel like these days my moods are cyclical. Some days are great... others still hurt so bad and I feel so lost in this huge world, all I can ask myself is what the fuck am I doing? But it's just life... it is what it is, and I try to take it as it is. But somedays are so much harder than others...