June 24th.

Some, but not all of you know the past 2 years of my life have been more than a little rough. i'm sorry at times i come across as someone who's bitter/unhappy with everything. i'm not. i'm just healing... slowly and painfully, but still. .. i know at times it's been a bit much for some of the people in my life to handle, but I am so thankful for those of you who've seen me through some of these really really dark days. i know i've managed to weed through many people who weren't there for me to begin with anyways... so I'm trying to just take it for what it is. 

However. it still feels like it's fucking killing me at times. Thank god I have dance as an outlet, or i would have absolutely lost it by now.

I think the hardest part is feeling like I lost my best friend. because regardless of everything else, i loved my soon to be ex husband, and i still seem to contemplate the many "what if's"

Like: what if I didn't work so much, and when he asked me to be home from work early i did. or what if i could have just kept my mouth shut about clashing with some of his friends so badly. or what if i never found the awful cheating inappropriate things on his phone 2 months before we tied the knot. would there have been so much tension between us then. because she still did my hair at my wedding. you always hear keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. what if i was easier to get a long with, and not so opinionated. but i could go on and on and on and on. Truth is, I loved him, and I would have til I died. But he gave up on us... and I think that I really believed he loved me enough to get through some of these bullshit years together, and things would even out eventually. But it takes 2. I know both of us weren't always fair to each other, but i never ever ever ever wanted to get a divorce. a part of me still doesn't. but then i just tell myself it's so much better now rather than later. that certainly doesn't make it any easier or my heart feel any less broken.

But it is what it is, and I got our court date in the mail yesterday. June 24th. 9am.

i hope my heart stops aching. sometimes it feels like it's gonna hurt forever and i can only distract myself so much with work and dance...