Complicated Contemplations on a Warm Summer Evening

Complicated Contemplations on a Warm Summer Evening

Amber-tinted and rose-colored lenses

Painting the world with warm waves of summer

Hiding those eyes from the glare of the sun

Before the clouds roll over, bringing dusk

And cooler air.

The breezes blow gently

Carrying the sweet smell of summer

While the sky glazes over, and melts with my body into the sand.

I’m digging a hole with my heel ,

Dragging my fingers in circular patterns.

Wondering if the worlds so large, where’s my place in it?

And so my thoughts are bouncing with complications compounding

My life’s abounding, like a symphony of sounds

Harmonic and soft,

Blending, merging, combining into a

Single, solitary, one of a kind creation

Just subtle enough to fit in.

ramblings of the misunderstood: Part One

I feel like a part of me has always been misunderstood, and I've put a lot of pressure on being well liked by everyone and be a well rounded, normal, successful individual. But what is normal? And why does it matter to me that I be understood.?..I feel like, for me at least it comes from this under lying desire to be accepted. I remember from a very young age I was concerned with my image and how I appeared to others... often feeling insecure. I remember in particular being young, probably still in grade school, wishing I had nice clothes like the girls who got to buy their outfits from Abercrombie and Fitch. I thought it would make me cooler if I had these things. It's not like I didn't have decent clothes... I just always felt like it wasn't good enough.
I never felt adequate.
I've always felt a little bit crazy too. I think a part of me still wonders if I'm crazy, and if I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not. But I over analyze what people think about me and sometimes put their wants and likes before mine, which can give off the impression that I'm fake at times.... It's really just this feeling that's lingering inside, where I'm still this little kid saying, "I just want them to LIKE ME." My whole life I guess in a way I've played different parts trying to figure out who I was. I was the exuberant child always trying to be the center of attention, I was dark and gothic for awhile listening to Marilyn Manson, with thick black eyeliner and a tear I painted on my cheek (haha ridiculous I know!), I was the Cheerleader trying to be cool and hang with the popular crowd, I was the party kid with kandy bracelets doing drugs like it was my job and Raving all up the East Coast, I was the hardcore lesbian who rocked long baggy shorts and a snow board cap, I was the fresh graduate who worked hard in a corporate setting and played even harder, and I was the super-serious super-driven girl trying to get something started with her dance company and turned it into a non-profit company.  I think in many ways I still don't know who I am... I adapt in different ways to different situations and feel like all these extreme versions of myself different points in my life are just different parts of what makes up who I am.

I just always need to remind myself, that who I am is a good thing.
My experiences have shaped me into me, and I think most days I'm okay with that...