tattooed in two thousand thirteen

what my first tattoo means to me:

sometimes i become different animals in my dreams. Most frequently I dream about being a bird who flies so high, and can escape the world with her wings. So the sequence of a bird flying represents always staying above the clouds above the drama, and to just keep on soaring... the words breathe is literally a reminder for me to breathe and slow the eff down sometimes. breathe and soak it all in. Also symbolizing breathing for quitting cigarettes (almost 4 years ago now). And to continuously remind me to never pick that habit back up again. It took me a long time to finally get one. But I'm so happy I did. It even makes me a little emotional just looking at it cause I always thought I couldn't handle it. But honestly, it made me feel like I can do anything. I just have to believe that I can and keep great people who believe in me close.

June 24th.

Some, but not all of you know the past 2 years of my life have been more than a little rough. i'm sorry at times i come across as someone who's bitter/unhappy with everything. i'm not. i'm just healing... slowly and painfully, but still. .. i know at times it's been a bit much for some of the people in my life to handle, but I am so thankful for those of you who've seen me through some of these really really dark days. i know i've managed to weed through many people who weren't there for me to begin with anyways... so I'm trying to just take it for what it is. 

However. it still feels like it's fucking killing me at times. Thank god I have dance as an outlet, or i would have absolutely lost it by now.

I think the hardest part is feeling like I lost my best friend. because regardless of everything else, i loved my soon to be ex husband, and i still seem to contemplate the many "what if's"

Like: what if I didn't work so much, and when he asked me to be home from work early i did. or what if i could have just kept my mouth shut about clashing with some of his friends so badly. or what if i never found the awful cheating inappropriate things on his phone 2 months before we tied the knot. would there have been so much tension between us then. because she still did my hair at my wedding. you always hear keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. what if i was easier to get a long with, and not so opinionated. but i could go on and on and on and on. Truth is, I loved him, and I would have til I died. But he gave up on us... and I think that I really believed he loved me enough to get through some of these bullshit years together, and things would even out eventually. But it takes 2. I know both of us weren't always fair to each other, but i never ever ever ever wanted to get a divorce. a part of me still doesn't. but then i just tell myself it's so much better now rather than later. that certainly doesn't make it any easier or my heart feel any less broken.

But it is what it is, and I got our court date in the mail yesterday. June 24th. 9am.

i hope my heart stops aching. sometimes it feels like it's gonna hurt forever and i can only distract myself so much with work and dance...

Dancers; A Unique Hybrid of Being

i am, in many ways, modern art embodied... with these emotions encompassed, then unraveled and displayed through specific movement.

I've found, in being the art that you breathe, dance and creating choreography fills your soul with a silent serenity, known only by those who experience it.

♥ we are unique hybrid of being... dancers/choreographers/artists - our passion is intense, so vivid... like a full spectrum of colors painting our world so brightly, we have no choice but to squint. I've found often I'm filled with feelings so staggering I'm forced to stop and take a moment to catch my breath. To slow down and recognize the significance, otherwise in silence it sleeps... Lingering longer than it should. A haze hanging overhead and will remain so even if you are waiting for that smoke to clear...that life is beautiful and reality is as real as you choose to make it. Sharp as the blade on a razor. Silently slicing your soul into slivers if you let it. Sometimes, you're able to swim against the current. Sometimes, though, you sink to the bottom and you're left to slowly sway with the seaweed.

continually learning as i get older that the easiest thing to do is just float on. follow the current.. let go. just breathe and be. Everything is as it should be. 

 

 

Being Successful and Finding Happiness

It's only Wednesday, but many things became very clear to me and were reinforced this week. haha. so these are my thoughts on Being Successful and Happy. Tell me what makes you successful and happy...? (if my best bud Cardoza reads this... he told me something very similar about reality versus perception a few years ago, and I never got it...) Well some things were sure as hell reinforced this week.

 - People (and Life) can really surprise you when take a chance on them. ONLY 2 results are possible; SUCCESS or FAILURE. You're supposed to learn from both. Our perception of things can be deceiving. Things are what they are... not good, not bad either. They just ARE. It's us as humans that add feelings and thoughts which creates our perception of how reality is... I think many of us also forget that in everything lies an opportunity. Everyone wants success and happiness, fewer go for it, & only an elite few actually achieve it.  Usually you have to start at the bottom to work your way to the top, that takes action with results... not just talk. People will tell you they can bring you the world on a platter, but is it actually delivered? 9 times out of 10 they are just blowing smoke... So quickly we are to place the blame. But there is no one to blame but yourself. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING you dream about doing, it just depends on HOW BADLY you want it... There is so much opportunity around, you just might not see it as that right away, it maybe disguised as something unappealing to you.. Are you successful and happy? Why or why not?... I don't need an answer. Just something for you guys to think about for awhile. The choice is always up to you, it's just where do your priorities lie and will you work hard enough to reach the "Goal" you have in mind. <3 don't ever stop dreaming and believing in yourself... I know I never will.

Keeping My Beating Heart Open © EGranholm

Keeping My Beating Heart Open

2.14.2013

© EGranholm

Verse 1:

I always seem to ask…

At what point did I go wrong?

When did I realize,

When did it dawn??

That we were never on the same page

Not even hearing the same love song?

Cause right now I always seem to crumble,

Totally melt and rapidly fall

Question my existence

Though, I know, I’d given my all…

Still, I’ll pour my soul

Black and dusty as old coal

Wondering if this half of me could be whole, someday?.......

-------------------- (Chorus) --------------------------------------------------

How could you leave me?

Just needed to be free…

We always argued to disagree

Didn’t want and couldn’t see…

You and me, weren’t a guarantee

Couldn’t make you happy…

       I’ll try not to let this bitter heart close.

--------------------------------------------------

Verse 2:

The times I imagine things inside-out

Let out a crazy scream or discerning shout

Frantically searching for the answer

Life just continues to throw me about.

Eventually know I’m okay without….

                                        YOU….

But still sometimes jumbled thoughts quickly compound

Wretched fingers wrapped so tightly around

Asphyxiating anxiety, shoved to the ground

          But still searching for the words, to say…

-------------------- (Chorus) --------------------------------------------------

Stay with me…

Don’t leave me be.

I always seemed to disagree

All I saw was you and me… My eternity

Growing old by the sea...

I’m angry, So fucking angry!

Reflecting on the memories

       I can’t let this bitter heart close…

            I can’t..

I won’t

I won’t let this bitter heart close…

--------------------------------------------------

Verse 3:

I’m an antelope who’s strayed from the herd.

A dream deferred.

A torn-winged bird,

Crooning a melody, still unheard

So melancholic with the tragedy incurred 

I know I loved with no reserve…

       Even though everything still fell apart.

I’m learning how to say adieu,

Let go of the days where I felt so blue

My tears will dry like the morning dew

Words from your mouth won’t seem so untrue.

And I’m able to find love again…..

-------------------- (Chorus) --------------------------------------------------

I don’t need you to stay with me…

You can leave, you can be free!

I’m casting my line out to sea

Knowing from a new seed, grows a new tree.

Onto a new start, both you and me.

Someday for my pod, I’ll find another pea

      Happy loving, living and being ME!

                       And I didn’t let this bitter heart close.

Didn’t close.whoaaaa…

Wouldn’t let it. Couldn’t let it.

Didn’t close…

Didn’t close, didn’t close cause I chose…

Cause I chose.

Cause I chose to keep my beating heart open.

END-

Stylized has donated our proceeds towards various causes like more research for childhood cancer, and our last project in August donated our $ to Andrews Helpful Hands (helps children and families through the difficult bone marrow transplant process). Currently, we are just getting the ball rolling for 2013, running auditions and selection of dancers and participating companies/choreographers for our next project, "Everyday Heroes" which will donate the money we raise towards Worcester and surrounding areas fire departments (potentially looking to work with The Leary Firefighters Organization) as well as victims of fire and destruction. 

drowning in a sea of distant dreams - (c) EGranholm

i never meant to hold on so tight

a white-knuckled and desperate

clingy little girl-child

grasping for what's familiar

while quickly sinking beneath the surface

drowning surely,

in a sea of dreams

so distant

so jaded

Apprehensive inaction

unnecessary stress

holding me hostage

deep within a world i only thought i knew

stuck like static dissonance

harsh against the dark

clouding my judgment

to lurk in the shadows

leaving me to wonder,

am i a fragment of a thought

or a vision that you once imagined?