someone special

I remember saying to Evan when I met Bruce, “I think I met someone really special.” 

He replied to me, “Maybe you did. I hope you realize you deserve someone special... Emily, you are special.” 

I was thinking about those words this past week and how I miss his wisdom. When Bruce decided it wasn’t good timing I cried to Evan. He reminded me that what’s meant to be will work it’s way out and if Bruce couldn’t really see me for all that I am, then it was his loss.

Evan was a sounding board for me. I loved him that way. He was always honest and sincere. Even when I couldn’t see clearly, his words would shine a light through the fog and I could find my way home. 

When he died I felt like a piece of me died. We were close and our friendship was real. Nobody really knew except a few of his friends. His opinions mattered to me and he always had a perspective that could challenge mine. He forced me to grow in many ways. Outside of who I was and who I thought I needed to be. 

I remember the day I was told he died. How my world just felt shattered. Reflecting on it it reminds me of those old movies where a captain or Sargent delivers the news to a wife waiting at home for her husband to return from war. The officer walks up the stairs and knocks on the door, when the wife sees who it is she crumbles and collapses in grief. When my friend told me that he passed the day before, I just fell to the pavement. Sobbing, crushed...Like every bit of me was breaking and it felt so unfair because I thought he was just busy and not responding to my messages, when in reality he’d been sick. When I finally spoke to his parents and I was told he called out to me before he slipped into a coma felt beyond devastating. His parents didn’t know me very well and it wasn’t until he died that they pieced it together. I would have been there had I known and I think that’s the part I still really struggle with. Evan and I were never romantic, but he was certainly a counterpoint and one of the most important people in my life. When I went through my divorce he helped pick me up off the floor... quite literally. I loved Evan, probably even more than I realized. When he was gone so suddenly, without an opportunity for me to say goodbye, it cut a big hole in my heart. 

I feel like I still feel his presence sometimes, and he’s laughing at me because Bruce came back into my life and he told me how if it was really someone special they would. That sometimes time just needs to pass, perspectives need to shift. 

I feel lucky that I knew Evan. He was an amazing human. Probably one of the best I’ve ever known. Missing him still hurts and I find myself reaching for my phone sometimes and wanting to message him and say, “you were right, you were right!” But then the stark reality hits and I’m reminded that is no longer possible. However, I will always carry him in my heart, and he may not be here in a way that I recognize anymore, but his energy still flows through me. Through that I can remain close to him, it’s just on a different level now and I’m working to be alright with that. Because everything that will be, will be. 

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