Gate by the Road

Standing at the gate by the road

Seeing the stars against the sky

Wondering what it all means

But not questioning why

My eyes are wide open, 

I don’t want to blink

Still kinda scared you could disappear

Gone like water down the sink

You tell me you won’t 

So I have to believe

And I know myself enough

To know that I’ll never leave

Because we are iridescent 

Brilliant, bold, bright and glowing

Sunshine, this warmth

Feel our true reality growing

I didn’t know love was like this

You told me I never felt it for real

And babe, I cry tears of joy

With the beauty of what I feel

             When I’m with you....

Peaceful February Mornings

Peaceful mornings greeted by the sun.

A world painted brightly,

The darkness undone.

The energy as it comes alive 

In the brisk February breeze.

Faith that pulls you closer

Warmth in winter, 

Just nature’s tease.

And you know spring is coming,

Blooms will be here in a short time.

Serenity in the solitude,

Thoughts also blossom with a rested mind.

Building and growing, 

A new foundation is stronger.

Open the earth, love this life,

You aren’t alone any longer...

Winter Warmth, a love unfolding

Getting unstuck

When the world is influx

Frozen while my heart unthaws 

A trinity surreal

That I can touch, I can feel

Broken down like the meal in my stomach

But mixed signals compounded

Essence true, I’m grounded

Dumbfounded 

Is it rising or will I plummet?

Is it crazy that I just know

A softness heavy

Like I’ve lifted a levy

And let everything fall gently like snow

White and bright

In the darkness and in the light 

Able to see clearly, it’s true

Able to face the fright that lingers

I am certain somehow 

See the power

Live right now

That together we’ll continue to grow

✨❤️🌱

I still find myself at times wondering if you’re real. It feels like the universe just gave us to each other finally after a long period of suffering. Immersed in gratitude everyday because I just can’t believe how lucky I am, how wonderful it feels and how you make my heart sing with laughter. I’ve never known a man like you or felt a connection like this. It feels real and organic. Genuine. Pure. Loving. All I could ever ask for. When I’m sitting next to you, and you’re playing the piano for me, one of our songs “Everything” by Passenger and the tears brim from the corners of my eyes because  life is so fleeting and beautiful and the feelings I feel are so profound. Never thought you’d be in my life. It’s magical. I’m thankful. I’ll watch the stars kiss the earth with you every night and feel swallowed by the sky. Listening to Alan Watts and mesmerized in those dark brown eyes... melting into them. Feeling my heart swell. You are my match. I knew when we met. I just needed to be patient, let life take its course as it would. But my feet are planted these days and I feel like I’m finally home. Thank you for your love. It changed my whole life. ❤️

someone special

I remember saying to Evan when I met Bruce, “I think I met someone really special.” 

He replied to me, “Maybe you did. I hope you realize you deserve someone special... Emily, you are special.” 

I was thinking about those words this past week and how I miss his wisdom. When Bruce decided it wasn’t good timing I cried to Evan. He reminded me that what’s meant to be will work it’s way out and if Bruce couldn’t really see me for all that I am, then it was his loss.

Evan was a sounding board for me. I loved him that way. He was always honest and sincere. Even when I couldn’t see clearly, his words would shine a light through the fog and I could find my way home. 

When he died I felt like a piece of me died. We were close and our friendship was real. Nobody really knew except a few of his friends. His opinions mattered to me and he always had a perspective that could challenge mine. He forced me to grow in many ways. Outside of who I was and who I thought I needed to be. 

I remember the day I was told he died. How my world just felt shattered. Reflecting on it it reminds me of those old movies where a captain or Sargent delivers the news to a wife waiting at home for her husband to return from war. The officer walks up the stairs and knocks on the door, when the wife sees who it is she crumbles and collapses in grief. When my friend told me that he passed the day before, I just fell to the pavement. Sobbing, crushed...Like every bit of me was breaking and it felt so unfair because I thought he was just busy and not responding to my messages, when in reality he’d been sick. When I finally spoke to his parents and I was told he called out to me before he slipped into a coma felt beyond devastating. His parents didn’t know me very well and it wasn’t until he died that they pieced it together. I would have been there had I known and I think that’s the part I still really struggle with. Evan and I were never romantic, but he was certainly a counterpoint and one of the most important people in my life. When I went through my divorce he helped pick me up off the floor... quite literally. I loved Evan, probably even more than I realized. When he was gone so suddenly, without an opportunity for me to say goodbye, it cut a big hole in my heart. 

I feel like I still feel his presence sometimes, and he’s laughing at me because Bruce came back into my life and he told me how if it was really someone special they would. That sometimes time just needs to pass, perspectives need to shift. 

I feel lucky that I knew Evan. He was an amazing human. Probably one of the best I’ve ever known. Missing him still hurts and I find myself reaching for my phone sometimes and wanting to message him and say, “you were right, you were right!” But then the stark reality hits and I’m reminded that is no longer possible. However, I will always carry him in my heart, and he may not be here in a way that I recognize anymore, but his energy still flows through me. Through that I can remain close to him, it’s just on a different level now and I’m working to be alright with that. Because everything that will be, will be. 

—————————————————————

abstract arrhythmia

# abstract arrhythmia 

Date: Feb 14, 2017

(c) eGranholm - jumbledthoughts19

Pink skies unfold,

Open my eyes, I'm told

Cause the shadows sold my heart into darkness.

But I can see the light,

Feel the warmth, grasp it tight.

Still this frantic little girl-child panicked...

Third degree burns.

Head & heart don't take turns.

They say experience is how you learn,

       except when you don't...

And I can't,

No I won't...

    Let my world fill up with smoke.

My love's no joke,

           And I won't choke on these words...

 

i like talking to you

Gives me that outta gas, 

gonna be stranded kind of sputter.

Find myself tripping, not falling, tongues slipping and I stutter.

But jaded as fuck, so not gonna let that heart flutter. 

I'll just stand here.

        Try to play it cool...

 

 

i dont like that i like you

I don't like that I like you
Makes me uncomfortable
Shift around in my seat
Left feeling vulnerable
And I'm not sure if you get it
But a part of me thinks you do
I tried to fix my heart
It's still a mess of broken pieces and glue

SELF: continual work in progress – 3.21.12

Some days I think about the past, and what made me think we’d always last

When life’s uncertain, like red wine in a glass

And I’m wondering is it half full or half empty?

Though there’s plenty, an abundance, more than twenty

Of thoughts rushing at any given time.

They will appear, never clear. And I’m trying to see, I’m trying to hear.

Flickering  like a static television in my mind.

They’re stuck and unaligned

On this need to be kind, to pay it forward, and not fall behind

But when I try to unwind, it never happens…

Because I’m focused on this guilt that I need to give more

That I’m never doing enough, that I need to explore,

Open more doors, love and adore…

Before my resentment, grabs hold. Starts a war.

I try to understand, get beyond myself, find a way out

A way to erase the doubt that shouts, “You’re always gonna fail!”

So I’m working on tuning out that voice

Because it’s a conscious choice

To sing and rejoice,

Seeking only the positive.

I'll choose to live,

To forget and forgive

I'll choose to love…

Never push, never shove

And always grab hold of the belief that there’s something above

That will guide me in the right direction.

Transference of Energy

Energy travels cyclically 

I've always believed in the transfer of energy. I believe that energy is passed from person to person, and that it lingers in objects and things, waiting for something else to transport it into new directions. It's like karma, and how if your positive and think positively, good things will come to you, and if your negative all the time, you end up seeming to focus on only the bad in your life, and it seems like everyone's out to get you. This is of course, not always the case, however it is typical.

When you surround yourself with enthusiastic, hardworking, positive people you can usually feel the passion and drive from them... feeding off their energy. You know how they say, "You are who you surround yourself with." It's 100% true. Do what you love and love what you do, and all that is good, will come to you. Lol. Just came up with that little phrase. ;) But I try to focus on what's positive about a situation and a person and work from that. Grow the goodness and focus on what you do have. I was watching Chelsey Lately last night and she had Tyler Perry on her show. He was discussing his new movie, Good Deeds and how there was a homeless woman once that really made an impact on him. They brought her in off the street and all she wanted was a place to sleep and some shoes on her feet. Never asked for any money... and he was saying how some of us don't even think of how blessed we are to have shoes to protect the soles of our feet. It just made me stop and think for a minute. Just reflect on how blessed I really am. I have love, great friends, amazing family, a smart head on my shoulders, and clothes on my back, an awesome job, my own dance company, a little home (that I can call my own) over my head, a vehicle, food in my belly, and money left over to save and plan and enjoy life a little more. I could go on and on... but I am incredibly lucky, and I try to remember that... however, I also work VERY hard, so I get frustrated sometimes when it seems like people sell themselves short.  When I visited my dad recently, he told me to remember to focus on my needs too, and not to always burn the candle at both ends so that I don't necessarily resent others when I feel that their choices are lazy and easy. I work very hard and I need to remember that that is my choice. I just don't want to waste my life, and I've noticed I base my worth and existence on my accomplishments. That may be a good thing or a bad thing, but regardless its a feeling that I have that makes me constantly want to reach for more. Achieve more. Grow. Learn. Develop.
When you do good things and focus on what's positive the bad seems to drift away. So go ahead, hold tight to those dreams, smile more, perform a random act of kindness and pass on the positivity. I'm sending good vibes and energy your way right now.... Hope you can feel it and you have a great day!

Til the next time.
-E

Finding Our Happiness

I dream of a simpler time
When things are as they seem
And truths don’t seem misleading
Where when I lie next to you lengthwise on the mattress
With our limbs woven into a web of defeat
And we sink into the sheets
Falling away into bliss
Cause I’m yours and you’re mine
All the time...
And together we’ve found our happiness…

Stories Untold May Never Unfold

i dream of you
dream of feeling your soft kisses against my neck
as you tuck my hair behind my ear, and guide my lips to yours
i'm melting like an ice cube in an arid desert
much faster than the beating of my heart
echoing loudly inside my ribcage
It's a shock, a tingle, an essence, a moment
this feeling reverberating inside

i don't ever want to let go

finding happiness - a dream inside a dream

some nights I'm haunted even in my dreams... constantly searching for my happiness.

I couldn't find you anywhere. I'm walking through the woods, listening to the acorns and leaves crunch beneath my feet. Suddenly the trees part and open up to this enormous golden field that stretches for eternity. The grass is waist high, soft and dry with the wind blowing so it looks like rippling waves across the field. The sun is so bright I'm forced to squint and it's like I'm wandering around blindly. But I see you faintly in the distance, by the one giant willow tree that's around. It's branches long and leaning towards the earth.
I run. I run absolutely as fast as I can. I'm scared your going to disappear. Terrified. As fast as I run, it almost doesn't seem like you're getting any closer. 

But finally I make it to you. Fling myself into your arms and kiss you. I've needed those kisses so badly... and I'm telling you I've missed you so much and you're all I've ever needed.

advice from Mac MacGuff (JUNO 2007)

From Mac MacGuff in JUNO:

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

early mornings

	Love me in the warmth of your touch That turns me gold inside Bright like the colors of changing autumnal foliage Through the cracking window panes The sunlight glows Beaming in As I melt with each breath you take We are one, you and I And I could watch you sleep forever...

inside her head

Some days I stay inside my head

And unthread the thoughts of crimson and red

While this hunger inside remains unfed

And this blood I’ve shed is meaningless.

But these feelings I feel,

Too profound to be real

Still bleeding, won’t heal.

Caught in this cycle of ideal

Like a wheel that’s continuously spinning…

I used to think I was a dreamer of dreams

A believer it seems, in silence and screams

Rushing along with streams and moon beams,

As I gleamed with the essence of your being.

But I’ve come undone, fallen apart

Faded and cracked like old ancient art

My head is smart, but I’m following my heart

And hoping that at the end of this road,

Is a fresh new start…

heart a'flutter

So with 16 days to go, my heart is fluttering.

My vows are finalized, the dress is altered, flowers picked, favors done, food ordered, bills paid...
I just can't believe that in 2 weeks and 2 days, I will be Mrs. Emily Cudmore ready to handle the world with my husband.

This weekend I am having my bachelorette party at the Liberty Hotel in Boston. I picked out a white dress to wear and sparkly silver shoes. We have reservations at the Beehive. Then will be attending Jacques Caberet and headed out somewhere to go dancing. I'm excited to spend some time with the girls and my sister... I believe my cousin, Jennabean will be coming from New York too.

Life is good. I am happy. I need to remember how blessed I am.

wedding 6.11.11

My best friend got married on Saturday, and I didn't think I'd cry, but she looked so beautiful, it made my heart melt. Katie is one of the sweetest girls I know, honest, loving, caring, beautiful... she's a peach, and on June 11, 2011 she looked like an absolute princess.

I wish this picture came out clearer. But I love her, and I wish her and Marcus a happy long loving life.

my best friends gettin hitched tomorrow

My best friend is getting married tomorrow, and I am absolutely thrilled for her. I'm not sure how she's feeling. Maybe excited, nervous, anxious, happy, a little apprehensive... I can't imagine the thoughts in her pretty little head tomorrow.
I've known katie since we were in college and she used to wear those baggy overalls with a sportsbra and I suppose I had a teeny crush on her. (maybe...She is cute as a button after all... petite, skinny, pretty.) I always wanted to be tiny. Maybe I wonder if I wanted to be her? We lost touch until we were reunited and started sylized movement together.
Its weird because I get married in 55 days or something and as I lay beside john, I smile to myself because I'm happy, I only hope I make him as happy as he makes me... I feel all of those feelings above and more. I'm looking forward to experiencing life with him. We've already bought our first house together and have been living together for 2 years so at least that won't be an adjustment. But I imagine myself carrying his child, growing and glowing with this innocent life within my belly. I'm terrifyed of it, and yet it thrills me and I yearn for it... a few more years though.
John pulls me out of this box I like to live in and challenges me.
I am learning to live for that challenge. Life is good.

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