looking from another level

I found you in a field. The grass was long and waving as the winds blew across it...Glare of the sun in my eyes but I could see you motioning with your arm to come to you. I ran towards you but it never felt like I was getting closer. suddenly you seemed about 50 yards away and you took off running to the treeline...

I caught up with you, we made it to the forest. Both of us sprinting so fast it was like in those movies where it’s super speed. Straight ahead there was like this giant redwood. Massive. Like in the northern forests of California. I remember feeling the bark of the tree, the pattern seemed extraordinarily intricate and I traced with my finger, feeling the toughness of the bark. Watching small pieces of it flake away. 

You told me we have to climb the tree. It will help us see... I just nodded and followed. It seemed easier than I expected it to be. Looking up I saw you above me, mixed with the sparkling light as it flickered through the tree branches. At the very top, once me made it through the canopy we could see everything. The sun felt warm. The breeze was soft, the way it was when we were in the shade on Saturday.

I talked about wolves I thought were chasing me. How they frightened me, especially when I could see their fangs. You told me I didn’t need to worry about them they were below us and couldn’t climb trees. Told me how absurd it was to feel frightened by them. I smiled when I caught your eyes. They were such a soft brown, which seemed in contrast to the intensity that I felt them piercing back into mine. Shaded under your strong brow and squinting a bit while you smiled back. 

Life was elevated. I just needed to look at it from another level.

I woke at 5:49am with a smile. Peaked at my phone and saw you already sent me a good morning message. Today will be a great day. 🌾

Transference of Energy

Energy travels cyclically 

I've always believed in the transfer of energy. I believe that energy is passed from person to person, and that it lingers in objects and things, waiting for something else to transport it into new directions. It's like karma, and how if your positive and think positively, good things will come to you, and if your negative all the time, you end up seeming to focus on only the bad in your life, and it seems like everyone's out to get you. This is of course, not always the case, however it is typical.

When you surround yourself with enthusiastic, hardworking, positive people you can usually feel the passion and drive from them... feeding off their energy. You know how they say, "You are who you surround yourself with." It's 100% true. Do what you love and love what you do, and all that is good, will come to you. Lol. Just came up with that little phrase. ;) But I try to focus on what's positive about a situation and a person and work from that. Grow the goodness and focus on what you do have. I was watching Chelsey Lately last night and she had Tyler Perry on her show. He was discussing his new movie, Good Deeds and how there was a homeless woman once that really made an impact on him. They brought her in off the street and all she wanted was a place to sleep and some shoes on her feet. Never asked for any money... and he was saying how some of us don't even think of how blessed we are to have shoes to protect the soles of our feet. It just made me stop and think for a minute. Just reflect on how blessed I really am. I have love, great friends, amazing family, a smart head on my shoulders, and clothes on my back, an awesome job, my own dance company, a little home (that I can call my own) over my head, a vehicle, food in my belly, and money left over to save and plan and enjoy life a little more. I could go on and on... but I am incredibly lucky, and I try to remember that... however, I also work VERY hard, so I get frustrated sometimes when it seems like people sell themselves short.  When I visited my dad recently, he told me to remember to focus on my needs too, and not to always burn the candle at both ends so that I don't necessarily resent others when I feel that their choices are lazy and easy. I work very hard and I need to remember that that is my choice. I just don't want to waste my life, and I've noticed I base my worth and existence on my accomplishments. That may be a good thing or a bad thing, but regardless its a feeling that I have that makes me constantly want to reach for more. Achieve more. Grow. Learn. Develop.
When you do good things and focus on what's positive the bad seems to drift away. So go ahead, hold tight to those dreams, smile more, perform a random act of kindness and pass on the positivity. I'm sending good vibes and energy your way right now.... Hope you can feel it and you have a great day!

Til the next time.
-E

finding happiness - a dream inside a dream

some nights I'm haunted even in my dreams... constantly searching for my happiness.

I couldn't find you anywhere. I'm walking through the woods, listening to the acorns and leaves crunch beneath my feet. Suddenly the trees part and open up to this enormous golden field that stretches for eternity. The grass is waist high, soft and dry with the wind blowing so it looks like rippling waves across the field. The sun is so bright I'm forced to squint and it's like I'm wandering around blindly. But I see you faintly in the distance, by the one giant willow tree that's around. It's branches long and leaning towards the earth.
I run. I run absolutely as fast as I can. I'm scared your going to disappear. Terrified. As fast as I run, it almost doesn't seem like you're getting any closer. 

But finally I make it to you. Fling myself into your arms and kiss you. I've needed those kisses so badly... and I'm telling you I've missed you so much and you're all I've ever needed.

Diabetes Dreaming - Pump Challenge

I have lots of weird abstract dreams on a daily basis...

Last night I dreamt that my insulin pump came out and  I kept trying to reinsert it and it would go in my skin, but then the tubing would detach. I was flipping out and screaming for help, cause I knew I would die without insulin, however everyone ignored me and wouldn't stop and help me figure out why the tubing was detaching. Finally after about 12 tries of stabbing it in my thigh, side, and stomach and saying I needed to go to the emergency room I inserted it in my inner thigh. I thought it was fixed, but I touched the tube and it fell away
and started gushing blood. Like when they take an iv out and the blood force is so strong it just like sprays in out of a stream from your vein. I thought I was going to die, but John finally came and helped. Kissed away my tears.

I woke up. Didn't fully remember the dream until I was driving into work. I thought it was odd though. I guess I am a little odd. :p

night terrors

Dream Attacks
Of Blueberry Blues
And Blackberry Blacks
And All Types Of Nonsense
Tied Up In Sacks
Trapped In The Ice
Locked In A Vice
Deep Under The Dirt
With Beatles, Worms, and Lice
Can’t Escape
Don’t Contemplate
What It’ll Take
To Get Outta Here.

inside her head

Some days I stay inside my head

And unthread the thoughts of crimson and red

While this hunger inside remains unfed

And this blood I’ve shed is meaningless.

But these feelings I feel,

Too profound to be real

Still bleeding, won’t heal.

Caught in this cycle of ideal

Like a wheel that’s continuously spinning…

I used to think I was a dreamer of dreams

A believer it seems, in silence and screams

Rushing along with streams and moon beams,

As I gleamed with the essence of your being.

But I’ve come undone, fallen apart

Faded and cracked like old ancient art

My head is smart, but I’m following my heart

And hoping that at the end of this road,

Is a fresh new start…

October 17, 2008

My mind is a scary place to wander through... found an old dream I wrote down:

The world was falling apart. Bright beams of white light echoed through the atmosphere, bringing forth the impending doom. I was frightened. The earth already looked like a casket. How could all this lay on my shoulders?

I took a sip of cool water from the fountain. It tasted metallic and ashy. Myself and my family hurried across the pile of dead bodies to a Radisson Hotel across the street. There were many holed up in the hotel already, utilizing it as a fortress. I hung back at the door a moment after we were permitted through, surveying the damage outside. The bleakness overcame me. We were all doomed.

There were groups of people huddled together. A larger gathering of people near the check in desk were quietly discussing options. They had already tried reasoning, offering, begging… all had resulted in a great deal of casualties. They wanted something else from us, our souls.

There was the chosen child. A young girl around the age of 5. Somehow it had been decided that she was our only hope. Her skin was pale white, with dark chestnut curls and eyes like pools of mud. She was crying because she didn’t know if she could really help us. All of a sudden she was teleported away to safety where she would develop a solution for us in the next few hours. My mind wandered. But I found I could speak to her through my mind if I concentrated.

The walls in the hotel had holes that seemed to pulse and I knew if I touched them I would be burned. I watched out the front windows on to the street where people were being annihilated by the white light which was severing their limbs then frying them to a crisp. Their screams sounded muffled and distant, but ever present.

I ventured upstairs to find my father. He said that my sisters had already been taken from the destruction with my mother. I wondered why I had to stay behind, but he said we would figure out how to conquor this, but that I had every right to be terrified.

Suddenly the child spoke to me. Told me that our salvation rested in a concoction of orange tic-tacs, graphite rocks, opal stone, and milk. My father and I found the supplies and mixed each potion together in little pink Dixie cups. However, we were only able to make enough for about ½ the population. It looked gross. Like gray rock vomit with splotches of orange.

I put the cup to my lips and drank the mixture, only to wake up in my bed a few moments later screaming….