VIRtuAL disILLusionment

​These devices creating a depression

A lack of connection 

All-consuming, a disillusion of self perception. 

Yet no one really wants to see…

Selfies screaming, “me, me, me!”

Electronic likes, dopamine hits, neural pathways erode, lack of attention, depleting wit.

Empty stares and hollow eyes…

A non-reality constructed of so many little white lies. 

Yet often seen, when I look around, so many detached beings unable to put their devices down…

Gate by the Road

Standing at the gate by the road

Seeing the stars against the sky

Wondering what it all means

But not questioning why

My eyes are wide open, 

I don’t want to blink

Still kinda scared you could disappear

Gone like water down the sink

You tell me you won’t 

So I have to believe

And I know myself enough

To know that I’ll never leave

Because we are iridescent 

Brilliant, bold, bright and glowing

Sunshine, this warmth

Feel our true reality growing

I didn’t know love was like this

You told me I never felt it for real

And babe, I cry tears of joy

With the beauty of what I feel

             When I’m with you....

Winning

Many days searching,

Seeking the great unknown.

A purpose, a mission, 

turning over the heavy stones.

Half the world unconscious, busy..

The rest stuck in suffering, trapped. misery. 

Not really living, lives half-dressed 

A handful making changes,

Trying to do what’s best...

It makes me wonder, question why?

Is it just human nature? 

Ultimately, aren’t we all going to die? 

Watching days pass 

While the earth continues spinning,

With cyclical trends, 

       in the end,

who’s really winning? 

I know with my heart on my sleeve, 

And each day, a warm sun.

With each breath I take,

The realization is 

            I’ve already won...

Peaceful February Mornings

Peaceful mornings greeted by the sun.

A world painted brightly,

The darkness undone.

The energy as it comes alive 

In the brisk February breeze.

Faith that pulls you closer

Warmth in winter, 

Just nature’s tease.

And you know spring is coming,

Blooms will be here in a short time.

Serenity in the solitude,

Thoughts also blossom with a rested mind.

Building and growing, 

A new foundation is stronger.

Open the earth, love this life,

You aren’t alone any longer...

Winter Warmth, a love unfolding

Getting unstuck

When the world is influx

Frozen while my heart unthaws 

A trinity surreal

That I can touch, I can feel

Broken down like the meal in my stomach

But mixed signals compounded

Essence true, I’m grounded

Dumbfounded 

Is it rising or will I plummet?

Is it crazy that I just know

A softness heavy

Like I’ve lifted a levy

And let everything fall gently like snow

White and bright

In the darkness and in the light 

Able to see clearly, it’s true

Able to face the fright that lingers

I am certain somehow 

See the power

Live right now

That together we’ll continue to grow

✨❤️🌱

I still find myself at times wondering if you’re real. It feels like the universe just gave us to each other finally after a long period of suffering. Immersed in gratitude everyday because I just can’t believe how lucky I am, how wonderful it feels and how you make my heart sing with laughter. I’ve never known a man like you or felt a connection like this. It feels real and organic. Genuine. Pure. Loving. All I could ever ask for. When I’m sitting next to you, and you’re playing the piano for me, one of our songs “Everything” by Passenger and the tears brim from the corners of my eyes because  life is so fleeting and beautiful and the feelings I feel are so profound. Never thought you’d be in my life. It’s magical. I’m thankful. I’ll watch the stars kiss the earth with you every night and feel swallowed by the sky. Listening to Alan Watts and mesmerized in those dark brown eyes... melting into them. Feeling my heart swell. You are my match. I knew when we met. I just needed to be patient, let life take its course as it would. But my feet are planted these days and I feel like I’m finally home. Thank you for your love. It changed my whole life. ❤️

new day, new world

Watching the world as it falls away

Redefined over rolling hills

And fields kissed with morning frost

A fragmented existence that used to pull

In multiple directions

With chaos in a city

A mind never quiet

Now cloaked in soft mornings

Where eves painting a peaceful existence 

And the sky is a sea of stars

Never thought I’d discover

Step outside, let my breath linger

Hovering and uncovering

Slowly, quickly discovering

Upside down with meaning behind all

But so many, so small

With capacity limited 

And capitalist consumers devouring 

Empty words dripping 

Really seeing it all...

someone special

I remember saying to Evan when I met Bruce, “I think I met someone really special.” 

He replied to me, “Maybe you did. I hope you realize you deserve someone special... Emily, you are special.” 

I was thinking about those words this past week and how I miss his wisdom. When Bruce decided it wasn’t good timing I cried to Evan. He reminded me that what’s meant to be will work it’s way out and if Bruce couldn’t really see me for all that I am, then it was his loss.

Evan was a sounding board for me. I loved him that way. He was always honest and sincere. Even when I couldn’t see clearly, his words would shine a light through the fog and I could find my way home. 

When he died I felt like a piece of me died. We were close and our friendship was real. Nobody really knew except a few of his friends. His opinions mattered to me and he always had a perspective that could challenge mine. He forced me to grow in many ways. Outside of who I was and who I thought I needed to be. 

I remember the day I was told he died. How my world just felt shattered. Reflecting on it it reminds me of those old movies where a captain or Sargent delivers the news to a wife waiting at home for her husband to return from war. The officer walks up the stairs and knocks on the door, when the wife sees who it is she crumbles and collapses in grief. When my friend told me that he passed the day before, I just fell to the pavement. Sobbing, crushed...Like every bit of me was breaking and it felt so unfair because I thought he was just busy and not responding to my messages, when in reality he’d been sick. When I finally spoke to his parents and I was told he called out to me before he slipped into a coma felt beyond devastating. His parents didn’t know me very well and it wasn’t until he died that they pieced it together. I would have been there had I known and I think that’s the part I still really struggle with. Evan and I were never romantic, but he was certainly a counterpoint and one of the most important people in my life. When I went through my divorce he helped pick me up off the floor... quite literally. I loved Evan, probably even more than I realized. When he was gone so suddenly, without an opportunity for me to say goodbye, it cut a big hole in my heart. 

I feel like I still feel his presence sometimes, and he’s laughing at me because Bruce came back into my life and he told me how if it was really someone special they would. That sometimes time just needs to pass, perspectives need to shift. 

I feel lucky that I knew Evan. He was an amazing human. Probably one of the best I’ve ever known. Missing him still hurts and I find myself reaching for my phone sometimes and wanting to message him and say, “you were right, you were right!” But then the stark reality hits and I’m reminded that is no longer possible. However, I will always carry him in my heart, and he may not be here in a way that I recognize anymore, but his energy still flows through me. Through that I can remain close to him, it’s just on a different level now and I’m working to be alright with that. Because everything that will be, will be. 

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