advice from Mac MacGuff (JUNO 2007)

From Mac MacGuff in JUNO:

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Festering Splinter

An Emptiness

Filled with this negativity

And the sentiments, with which you just don’t agree.

You say that I don’t see,

where the real problem lies.

But behind your eyes, you want things where I can’t compromise.

The smoky haze, creates a glaze that mask the tears that linger.

A hopeless gaze, not just a phase that disguises a festering splinter. 

music appreciation

         Do you ever just wish you could sing? I wish it all the time. I have good friends who are extremely musically inclined and when I hear her sing so strongly in that deep melodic voice, it leaves me mesmerized and wishing I could captivate people in that same way.

        However, I have the range capacity of a hoarse troll and my singing will pierce your ears like an off key cackling hyena. I remember thinking that I could sing when I was younger, belting "Part of your World" from the Little Mermaid, thinking I could in fact be Ariel herself. Hahah. Oh man. And the time I decided it would be a good idea to sing the national anthem in front of everyone at a school basketball game with Stacy Babeau when we were on the cheering squad. OMG it was horrific. I still feel mortified that my friends didn't try and stop me....

        Oh well.

        It happens.

        I just love how music is such a powerful force and can move you, twist your emotions, send you mood through the roof. I think that's some of the reason why I dance. When the music is playing, depending on what type of song, I am transported to a world that lets me fall from reality and I can't help but let the melody move me.

bottomless pit - reflecting on depression

I feel like when you haven't physically felt depression, you really have no clue what it's like and in such respect just can't fathom what it's like to just hurt for what's seemingly, no apparent reason... so it's hard to relate. I've always been a very up and down person, going through some bad things when I was younger that maybe put a bit of a chip on my shoulder... I was dealing with some serious feelings as a teenager, and really struggled with coping. I'm sure the lack of sleep from partying along with the party-kid lifestyle and not taking good care of myself, it was no surprise i didn't feel balanced.
I was constantly searching for a way to escape my feelings, to not feel so crazy and alone... it's like you can be in a sea of people, but their all washing over you, continuing on in their way of life. No one really takes the time to notice, nor really do they care. They have their own problems. I mean they care in a way, and would talk to you if you told them how you felt... But then there's this stigma associated with it. "She's crazy, she needs to take meds." I've never liked taking them, but when I'm off them for a long time, and I begin to feel like I'm sinking... Like it's too much effort to wake up, and brush your teeth and go to work. Nothing matters, no one cares. You feel an empty pang constantly gnawing at you and it's like your body literally hurts. For some reason it makes me feel like I feel like this for a reason, like I deserve to feel this bad. Like I don't deserve to live.... and that's a fucked up feeling that I guess is hard to explain to someone that's never felt like that. It's this barren, hollow, dead feeling. No one understands you, and it doesn't fucking matter any way because your so tiny in the scheme of things anyways...

I used to cut myself.
I thought that was a way to let the hurt out. Just bleed out my sins so I would feel better. Bleed so I knew that I was still alive, still living. I got therapy and was able to stop, but I still have the scars on ankles to remind me.
I feel like these days my moods are cyclical. Some days are great... others still hurt so bad and I feel so lost in this huge world, all I can ask myself is what the fuck am I doing? But it's just life... it is what it is, and I try to take it as it is. But somedays are so much harder than others...

The Script - For the First Time

"She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart,
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar,
And we don't know how,
How we got in to this mad situation,
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard"
~The Script

Clusterfuck Cycles

Some days I think I know what I’m doing

Others I’m spinning in circles.

Life’s like a tumultuous wind,

whirling and swirling

And I’m curling my toes in excitement.

Suddenly it’s like I’m standing at the top of a mountain

Higher than the trees and cloud-line.

Waiting for a sign that tells me to leap

And feeling the need to realign.

Because it’s as if I’m jumbled and twisted

My minds a cluster-fuck of emotions.

It’s like I’m trapped in a web, blood to be sucked

Or I’m sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

Sometimes I stand beneath the sun

Hotter than water boiling in a bucket

Overwhelmed by the glowing warmth felt on my face

Maybe someday I’ll just say fuck it…   

                        

toxic

Confusion surrounds

I know you thought it was black and white
But rather it's
Shades of gray
Painted in uneven lines
In the city night
Where heat and toxicity
Radiate with bad energy
Seep through the cracks
And poison us.