early mornings

	Love me in the warmth of your touch That turns me gold inside Bright like the colors of changing autumnal foliage Through the cracking window panes The sunlight glows Beaming in As I melt with each breath you take We are one, you and I And I could watch you sleep forever...

gone

Pomegranate green tea
Steaming from my mug
The sweet earthy vapors
Awakening my senses
Sitting on the front porch
Old ivory paint cracking
Like the pain in my chest
And the shortness of breath that accompanies

Setting in, setting in
After it simmered in my subconscious
Marinated in my brain
Warm memories of you
Making me wonder where you are
Even though I know your gone...

ramblings of the misunderstood: Part One

I feel like a part of me has always been misunderstood, and I've put a lot of pressure on being well liked by everyone and be a well rounded, normal, successful individual. But what is normal? And why does it matter to me that I be understood.?..I feel like, for me at least it comes from this under lying desire to be accepted. I remember from a very young age I was concerned with my image and how I appeared to others... often feeling insecure. I remember in particular being young, probably still in grade school, wishing I had nice clothes like the girls who got to buy their outfits from Abercrombie and Fitch. I thought it would make me cooler if I had these things. It's not like I didn't have decent clothes... I just always felt like it wasn't good enough.
I never felt adequate.
I've always felt a little bit crazy too. I think a part of me still wonders if I'm crazy, and if I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not. But I over analyze what people think about me and sometimes put their wants and likes before mine, which can give off the impression that I'm fake at times.... It's really just this feeling that's lingering inside, where I'm still this little kid saying, "I just want them to LIKE ME." My whole life I guess in a way I've played different parts trying to figure out who I was. I was the exuberant child always trying to be the center of attention, I was dark and gothic for awhile listening to Marilyn Manson, with thick black eyeliner and a tear I painted on my cheek (haha ridiculous I know!), I was the Cheerleader trying to be cool and hang with the popular crowd, I was the party kid with kandy bracelets doing drugs like it was my job and Raving all up the East Coast, I was the hardcore lesbian who rocked long baggy shorts and a snow board cap, I was the fresh graduate who worked hard in a corporate setting and played even harder, and I was the super-serious super-driven girl trying to get something started with her dance company and turned it into a non-profit company.  I think in many ways I still don't know who I am... I adapt in different ways to different situations and feel like all these extreme versions of myself different points in my life are just different parts of what makes up who I am.

I just always need to remind myself, that who I am is a good thing.
My experiences have shaped me into me, and I think most days I'm okay with that...

Heavy Heart

Heavy Heart

I feel so, so, so

Heavy…

As if the levee broke

And I’m under a thousand pounds of water,

Slowly sinking,

Unable to float.

And as I descend,

Deeper and deeper

Wishing the price I already paid was cheaper

But I’m not sleeping,  I’m weeping

Cause slowly I’m creeping,

Down a trail I never meant to take.

In solitude,

Always alone.

I’ve been shown things I should have known.

But in this silence, thoughts wander

Choices appear

The pathway never seems to be clear

And my dear;

This option I’ve chosen may very well

leave me frozen inside. 

inside her head

Some days I stay inside my head

And unthread the thoughts of crimson and red

While this hunger inside remains unfed

And this blood I’ve shed is meaningless.

But these feelings I feel,

Too profound to be real

Still bleeding, won’t heal.

Caught in this cycle of ideal

Like a wheel that’s continuously spinning…

I used to think I was a dreamer of dreams

A believer it seems, in silence and screams

Rushing along with streams and moon beams,

As I gleamed with the essence of your being.

But I’ve come undone, fallen apart

Faded and cracked like old ancient art

My head is smart, but I’m following my heart

And hoping that at the end of this road,

Is a fresh new start…

October 17, 2008

My mind is a scary place to wander through... found an old dream I wrote down:

The world was falling apart. Bright beams of white light echoed through the atmosphere, bringing forth the impending doom. I was frightened. The earth already looked like a casket. How could all this lay on my shoulders?

I took a sip of cool water from the fountain. It tasted metallic and ashy. Myself and my family hurried across the pile of dead bodies to a Radisson Hotel across the street. There were many holed up in the hotel already, utilizing it as a fortress. I hung back at the door a moment after we were permitted through, surveying the damage outside. The bleakness overcame me. We were all doomed.

There were groups of people huddled together. A larger gathering of people near the check in desk were quietly discussing options. They had already tried reasoning, offering, begging… all had resulted in a great deal of casualties. They wanted something else from us, our souls.

There was the chosen child. A young girl around the age of 5. Somehow it had been decided that she was our only hope. Her skin was pale white, with dark chestnut curls and eyes like pools of mud. She was crying because she didn’t know if she could really help us. All of a sudden she was teleported away to safety where she would develop a solution for us in the next few hours. My mind wandered. But I found I could speak to her through my mind if I concentrated.

The walls in the hotel had holes that seemed to pulse and I knew if I touched them I would be burned. I watched out the front windows on to the street where people were being annihilated by the white light which was severing their limbs then frying them to a crisp. Their screams sounded muffled and distant, but ever present.

I ventured upstairs to find my father. He said that my sisters had already been taken from the destruction with my mother. I wondered why I had to stay behind, but he said we would figure out how to conquor this, but that I had every right to be terrified.

Suddenly the child spoke to me. Told me that our salvation rested in a concoction of orange tic-tacs, graphite rocks, opal stone, and milk. My father and I found the supplies and mixed each potion together in little pink Dixie cups. However, we were only able to make enough for about ½ the population. It looked gross. Like gray rock vomit with splotches of orange.

I put the cup to my lips and drank the mixture, only to wake up in my bed a few moments later screaming….

maybe

Maybe we should
Disappear in the shadows
Cause we rise and fall
Like the August tides
Ever changing
Maybe we’ll just live and learn
But who knows
Which way this’ll go
Maybe I’ll take it slow

Sinking in Solitude

My eyes speak volumes
Yet you choose not to see
A hollowness that echos
Reverberated energy
A swarm of sounds
So loud,
Bold
In your tongue
Wagging with stories untold
This sadness takes hold
Cracking me inside
Too rotten,
Too old
Like warm rancid meat
Left in last Tuesday’s sun
Why am I even still trying
When the race has already been run…?

Welcome to Wuuuuussssstaaaaa - aka Worcester

I was waiting trying to pull into the CVS parking lot coming home from work last night and there was this very rude lil' white blonde bitch that I encountered. Anyways she was a little before the pull in spot for the parking lot and this other fat dude in another car in front of her was blocking the entrance he finally moved and she pulled up and block me so I was like dude I'm just trying to go to CVS. Blondie was like "Fuck you" and flipped me off with her chipped black nail polish fingers, so I was like "Fuck you, move" and she went to get out of her stupid little car (I don't even know what it kind of car it was, maybe golf hatchback) with pink lightening stripes and the dude she was sitting with grabbed her and told her to drive cause the light had now turned green... she was screaming at me as she droves away "dumb fucking bitch"...Gotta love the classy people I run into in Worcester...

I want to move. 3 more years...

Grass Grows Green

Grass Grows Green
Lush, long
On fertile banks of Asian rivers
Gritty soil
Between my toes
And the rushing river,
That carries my thoughts through the rapids,
Splashes on the rocky shore.
I am distant...
Being carried on the winds
Soaring
With natural melodic sounds
Echoing in my eardrums
Let me stay
Let me stay
Let me stay
I am here….

Anonymity Surrounded

In the absence of space
I feel
I am
Nothing
A figment rather
A pigment, a tint
Obscure and
Unseen
Just slightly left
Of the unknown….

goodnight beach

The ocean is peaceful
With soft waves rocking gently
Beneath the red November moon
Blurry in the distance
Like a long-lost friend
You can’t quite make out

The salty gusts of wind
Rolling over each other
Sticking to your skin
Stinging your cheeks
And blowing your hair wild

You breathe in
Deep brackish breaths
Full of nicotine and a chill
That sits in your bones
Til your back in your car
And on your way home

twenty eleven dreams

sometimes I dream I can jump higher than the stars
past the atmosphere, past the earth,
past Jupiter and Mars.
Faster than street cars
Speeding down the boulevard.
A flash, a Buzz, and it's all because
I'm swimming in the sky, higher than high
letting the wind sigh with me on it's shoulders,
And it's as if boulders came tumbling down.
There's no more weight, I'm free... unbound.
Happiness like the sound of your first born child.

wet

Id love to kiss you in the rain. Cool raindrops soaking our clothing, sticking to our warm bodies. It wouldn't matter that we were getting wet. Nothing would matter.... it would just be us and everything else would fall away.